So, Friday night was the annual Sociology Cabaret here at Michigan. I think a lot of departments have events like this – an evening of scenes put on by the graduate students, often the first-years as a sort of hazing ritual. Apparently, Michigan’s started 10 years ago, which makes me wonder how recent a phenomenon this is. Anyway, I had the honor of MCing the event (i.e. stalling while we rearranged the stage or loaded up a video) and starring in one bit. I thought I’d post the lyrics to my bit below, in the hopes they continue to amuse. We filmed the event, so hopefully I’ll have video at some point (if the sound quality is ok).

“I am the very model of a Modern Sociologist”

[Note, we did a little bit of an intro sketch, with two students arguing about structure vs. agency and then a third interrupting to introduce the modern sociologist to resolve the dilemma. I’ve started here with the actual lyrics.]

Sociologist: I am the very model of a modern Sociologist
I’ve information quantified, and qualified, historicist
I know the founding fathers, and I quote the texts the’retical
From Grundrisse to Suicide, in order biographical

I’m very well acquainted, too, with methods mathematical
I understand regressions, ordinary and quadratical
About binomial logit I am rather more than casual
With many cheerful facts about the squares of the residuals

Chorus: With many cheerful facts about the squares of the residuals
With many cheerful facts about the squares of the residuals
With many cheerful facts about the squares of the residua-idua-ls

Sociologist: I’ve data from my interviews, ethnographies, and documents
I know the tongues and practices of groups from seven continents
In short, in matters quantified, and qualified, historicist
I am the very model of a modern Sociologist

Chorus: In short, in matters quantified, and qualified, historicist
He is the very model of a modern Sociologist

Sociologist: I know our mythic hist’ry, from Chicago to Columbia
The work of sociologists from Europe, and Canadia
I quote in French Michel Foucault, Pierre Bourdieu and Baudrillard
The writings of the Frankfurt School I can’t but hold in high regard

My theoretic premises are based on sources numerous*
From Wallerstein and Althusser, and de Saussure and Levi-Strauss
I bat them all about within the halls of academia
Until I get a case of intellectual bulimia

Chorus: He bats them all about within the halls of academia
He bats them all about within the halls of academia
He bats them all about within the halls of academ-emi-ia

Sociologist: I love to say at any chance that everything is relative
And prove it with statistics showing nothing is correlative
I’m neither anthropologist nor linguist nor economist
I am the very model of a modern sociologist

Chorus: He’s neither anthropologist nor linguist nor economist
He is the very model of a modern sociologist

Sociologist: I’ve submitted articles to Theory and Society
To AJS, and ASR, and others of propriety
I’ve tried to speak at conferences, colloquia and seminars
I’ve even sent impassioned pleas to academic commissars

But for all my years of work, my c.v. is just one line long
My genius goes unrecognized, to all who have not heard this song
In short, when I’ve a smattering of solo journal articles
I’ll get a job at Michigan without needing a miracle

Chorus: He’ll get a job at Michigan without needing a miracle
He’ll get a job at Michigan without needing a miracle
He’ll get a job at Michigan without needing a mira-ira-cle

Sociologist: So I offer this hypothesis, and synthesis, antithesis
Publish quick and publish well, and purify your habitus
But still, in matters quantified, and qualified, historicist
I am the very model of a modern sociologist

Chorus: He is the very model of a modern sociologist
He is the very model of a modern sociologist
He is the very model of a modern sociolo-olo-gist

* Two verses were based on Buckser 1999 “I am the very model of a Social Anthropologist”.